| Seriously WTF |
[Mar. 12th, 2008|03:35 pm] |
I just read all my journals from middle school to now and seriously WTF.
I don't know what to say about it but WTF. All I ever talked about was girls and how they let me down, and honestly it still is happening. So I guess that is what makes looking into my emo past worse.
Looking at it and seeing myself now, I see no change in my behavior. I still get hung up on girls and still end up getting hurt. Its not them hurting me its me. I just really give my love out all the time just to have it crushed. I just wish I could stop doing that it is starting to annoy even me.
Why is it that I just give myself up to the female counterpart? There is maybe a simple answer, or their could just be the question of habit. Have I made it a habit to wear my heart on my sleeve? Well the easy answer to that question is yes. I used to believe it was where I was meeting these girls that made the difference, but Im starting to see a pattern in my courtship methods which could be where the real problem lies.
So why post a blog exposing your biggest flaw? Well perhaps if I see it in writing my mind will finally see that there is some need of change in my world and changing styles, or environment won't do a thing. Another reason is that I don't really care how you may view me, or that you may see me different. All I can say is that the time is now for a change and it maybe hard but I will do it. |
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| yes an update keeley!!! |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
I dont make it a point to update much but I figured its about time I get used to getting my thoughts out.
Amanda...what can I say, got my hopes up and expected a new girlfriend a great one I could be happy with. I didn't get that all i got was drama up my ass. She didnt want to go out she wanted friends with benefits...it didn't last I confronted her and well it didnt work out now we are distant friends and it frankly is highly a waste to me psh.
wow the 24th I get the fabled cable internet connection.....my mom is bitching at me that ill have to pay for it etc I really could care less ill pay for it and by the time it becomes expensive ill be going away!
I also have to buy a 1gb nano tommorow because my second mp3 player was stolen and the other one was lost...sigh what bad luck.
photography is on a positive scale though everyday I find another picture im just woahed by. I take at least one good picture a day to build up my photo ability. This new digital camera is amazing at doing this giving me all the access to my pictures right away.
katherine....met her like lastt week shes radical etc nice alot id llike in a gf...hmm but younger than me always makes me iffy...maybe could i not want a gf weird hmmm *ponders im in a bad state of mind thats not good ill dwel tommorow. Vallentine's daya nd shes my valentine I know she would like more....do i want more?
i feel tired good night |
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| Wow an update! from my new mac laptop !!! oh ya!! |
[Dec. 30th, 2005|12:02 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Opening to sorceror stabber orphen! | ] |
yea its been forever since ive updated anything on lj. So umm where to start
Me and kristyn didnt last long since we never talked because she just ignored me pretty much so yea.......stupid me!
The days have been better lately, Ive gotten out of a very big depression that almost destroyed my chances of even passing this year. I now have a therapist too which isnt the worst thing in the world because she doesn't seem interested on sending me for pills, also she doesnt think I have any disorders which is interesting considering most therapist are all about drugs.
Dating has well been very horrible no one new since ive dated erica back in september. haven't talked to meghan for about two months now and thats great. I've been thinking alot about my relationships and the only good one i ever had was with Ivan. last night i found Ivan's christmas card from last year next to my Nana's christmas tree it talked about how much he loved me then and how happy I made him...I wonder how it came to be there and if nana read it because if she did then she knows im bi or thinks im gay idk. Ive been talkign to him again and I think old memories are resurfacing and Idk if i should act on them or just ignore them. Ugh always a problem happened with theresa awhile back.
Waldbaums has been great and stuff everyone thought I quit because I requested alotta days off. These two girls invited to a party this christmas break but it was actually because one of the girls, Amanda liked me and wanted to chill with me.
Turns out amanda is this awesome girl who ive come to like alot. I think about it alot because my mind is rushing things and i cant slow it down and it worries me that im getting my hopes up. We even had a 2 hour 45 min phone call which hasnt happened since ivan! We went to the movies too the other day and I had a blast, I ended up staring at her alot though and idk if it freaked her out but she sure smiled alot! I pulled her over and we cuddled during the movie. It was amazing and I was tempted to sleep. When I got home i went to give her a peck on the lips but she kinda tried avoiding it but I can understand lol. Her smell lingered on my clothes and every time I smelt her , Id get this high that twas amazing. I wonder if she likes me enough to date me but she is defnately a kind beauty.
christmas didnt feel like christmas at all the family aspect gone the present opening all gone and it made me sad that i didnt even have someone to share it with sigh........but i got my mac laptop which ive been wanting for ever.
so nothing left to really update about cept trying to fix up the pieces at school, and try to not get into another depression.
May i find the strentgh to overcome the impossible |
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| school, work, home my life an update |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|10:22 am] |
school hasnt been the best lately. I dont feel the connections I did with my new teachers, that existed with my old teachers. thanks to a friend of mine I think ive found a way to get all the help ive needed for awhile. I cant bear to let my grades slip anymore. Though it might force me out of tech! Could I bear to end what i foght for so passionately to obtain.
Work is back to normal except now he holiday rush is beginning so its been busy.
Home hasnt be good either with me and mom getting into arguments more I feel home to be the X factor in my ever failing education. When I come home I dont feel like doing anything, I guess knowing I have no privacy(more like i sleep in he living room) just makes me sadded.
And to top it off, I now have a long distance relationship. With a lovely girl named Kristyn no one knows her but she is about nicer than me lol! Ill post a pic later on since her myspace shut down.
well laterzzz |
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| Loong road.....yet again..tough times...with a dash of ever somber hope |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|02:17 pm] |
Things have been normal bland not saddening like before. Lets seee to start "look both fucking ways when your driving up to turn" before you actually turn! I got hit today by stupid asshole my arm hurts but im ok.
School - Its blander than ever. Ive become so distant from my friends I swear I have none in that shit hole.
home stuff makes me un able to do work in school.
Work - Not bad except the new front end keeps annoying me and making me feel uncomfortable cuz I feel like he is hitting on me.
Home - Home is bad, I dnt feel motivated to move or do anything its just unbareable. Untill my mom finds a place I cant quit my job for a new one, I cant feel motivated, and I dont think I can date someone knowing we may move out east.
I guess I just want I want to be really happy and motivated already!! I know it can be done but I need something to boost me up.
<3
a heart |
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| wb |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|01:48 pm] |
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writing yet agian cuz im rad |
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| remberance......change....memory |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|05:37 pm] |
I dnt know where to start but ill have to start somewhere. Ill start with my radical bipolorness, so far im doing oki simple things have been bringing me up from my crazy depression.
First had to be the appearance of Jamie. I saw him on this site a while ago , but it wasnt untill Felix IMd him about stealing a pic that me and him talked. I joked too im liked put in a good word for me. Felix gave him my myspace., and he Imd me one day. I expected this tough guy who doesnt like specific music and would be an ass. Yet he talked so nicely and when he was like sowwwie I knew he was a good person. I guess im easiy attracted to a nice person. Ive cursed it but then I realized it shows how kind I am and trusting of people. My biggest fear is becoming paranoid but thats far from happening. HAHA i actually feel like suichi from gravitation again.. I can be compared easily. Im like a puppy that follows, idk i like it. Anyway he is so nice and seems to be like me and idk it makes me happy whenever i know there is another good person in this world. Yet he is the first guy ive been attracted to since ivan which is surprising since im pretty much straight. something about him just makes me all warm inside. Its stupid he also has a bf but actually likes me enough to maybe date me and move on.
Second me and Ivan have started talking again and it just feels me up with a happiness I cant describe a part of me has come bak and maybe ill see him alot more.
Idk if I should be sad or happy with whats been happening but all i can say is that im happy |
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| Insomnia |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|06:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Besides the fact im coughing like crazy,im depressed again....Today hope looked upon me with me hug attacking everyone at work. Yet as the day near a close it changed to sadness. I made a deal with front end that if I work another hour than they give Lindsay a 20 minute break instead of 15. So I was like yay since we were supposed to hang earlier but awoke late. Yet when it came time for break her bf came in to chill with her. I was like fuck I wasted my time. What a waste why I eever believe we could be friends without me feeling these emotions. It became obviously clear that I cant be her friend either because whenever the have problems it would horrible for me. So I never got that time also found out she was the one who told him to come. She told him to knowing I wanted to chill with her KNOWING! ugh she prolly didnt think anything of it, Ive made the same mistake Ive done everything shes done to me to alot of people. So I feel like shit about that too. *tear just why cant I BE FREAKING HAPPy
EXPLANATION WHY!!!!!
my state of mind is cyclic up down up down its usually at a steady level but its begun to be tooo irregular.
when I have someone the cycle gets wrapped atound thier mood evening out depression unless they get sad or something then I follow their mood but if managed right I only get little depression.So now ya know!
Ive been constantly depressed for a month and a half |
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| empty desires? |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|11:05 pm] |
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I guess since ive stopped chasing lin, I have nothing again.I feel the pain in my chest again. the lonelyness and all the pent up romantic energy wanting to be relewased. I canrt hadle it |
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| Again again plus remembering then |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|08:41 am] |
Its been forever since I wrote in LJ. Ive gtten alot better and over my past love. I guess we were never meant to be, and whenver i am in her presence I get angry. I belittle her because thats what she did to me.
Its been forever and now the tbles have changed again to another thing. right now I like this girl at my job, shes freaking awesome. We talk all the time about stuff and I find out about him....her boyfriend. To think we established that we both like each other and he is tossed into the mix. I know she likes me but how can I when he is still there.
Im obsessed over her and I don't think that is a good thing because it could spell trouble. i think she is waiting for something, for me to do something. I am hoping its to kiss her because I look at her and thats what i think about. I think about how special I want her to know she is. I guess the bes thing to do is to ask her what she wants.
techs lost its flavor and sometimes I never want to come here. I seem to be caught up in bitterness beween some students and even my teacher. Work is he only place I have a little fun. Especially when Lindsay is there. Thats where it began, with a hug. Se said awesome and it was then I wanted to get to know her. I want thinking about dating her actualy until I got to know her a bit more. We spent one whole day talking cuz she was sick at home. Ahh good times.
thursday is EISLEY!!!!!!!!!ngnaelfbnaein aebnaeonenoenaeohne;nhehne. I have to take the babylon tech bus to get to babylon where ill meet up with ben and take the express tran to the city. Its going to be awesome. |
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| emo done |
[Sep. 4th, 2005|03:52 pm] |
*slaps face* oki im done being emo about her. I guess the one thing that bothered me the most was that Ive had finally achieved the feelins i wanted towards someone and now im afriad if i move on ill just rush inot those emotions again. Im afriad i have lied to myself again.
Well besides all this I've been doing real well. I got the job at waldbaums in massapequa, school is starting(even though my schedule is pitiful). I have made two friends Erika and alise, they seem pretty kool its been through myspace but i think they will be good frineds.
My style changed absolutely to what i used to wear. I think im more scene now but I really don't wanna be labeled as anything.
I wonder if this school year, if my friends will be friends with me. I mean we are friends but I never see them or barely talk over the summer. I remember trying to sever ties with them but couldnt help the feeling of being lonely.
So much has happened yet i still feel im standing still. Ivan and I are talking again, and I even had the time to see him and talk about the times. Mia also is talking to me and she explained how she feels about my situation. Even after all this time I still trust her, and I hope she trusts me.
Yesturday I started doing the register by myself, the fear was tough on me. "If I make a mistake what will happen", then I remebered everybody else working there and I wanted to become stronger at it. It may seem stupid but I wanted to become the best at cashiering so no one would ever have to help me. I wonder why.... |
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| love is ?this? |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|03:15 am] |
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i never really update anymore which always happens but now its time to...Its been awhile since me and meg broke up. I thought was over her but it turned out to be otherwise....I had fallen inlove with her...i can honestly say that ive never ever felt this way. Meg has only been trying to protect me from watever maybe in her head and such, So whenever i wanna see her she makes up and excuse and such. I found out that her friend has a crush on her and she talks to her all the time and loves her.I noticed how she worries and it reminds me of when i went through s time. I later findout she may have feelings for this girl. So it cleard up what meg might be protecting me from...Sigh..nnow i cant sleep i have nigthmares of dogs and being alone, and her leaving me places to hang with friends. Now iknow how everyone in the past who loved me felt. I apologize and if meg ever finds this i am sorry for posting ur business for this maybe wrong after all. I just wanna get it out even this journal isnt enough all my biking wont fix this....an open wound so big....im emo |
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| what subject |
[Aug. 31st, 2005|12:28 am] |
Ehh. I guess since the summer is pretty much over I am supposed to update about my summer vacay. Lets see it started with absolute shit and me in a gutter from mia and such. Then something brewwed when i went to cali and everything began for the better i met meghan and soon we began dating. Man i could remember me being really happy all the time. I met Ben and Catrina who are now my great friends too. OOOHH and my first twisted tea, smirnoff, and screwdriver. Then meg started doubting herself and we broke up...sigh now i know how everyone else felt. Got my sidekick 2 and a job, Waldbaums in massapequa near da mall WOOOT. So what now?? *looks up emo looks. Meghan likes me but wont go out with me unless she is safe on herself. I dont think i could just walk away without knowing for sure. I have no choice if i dwell on her ill get sad and she will sooooooowhat to do........AHnrekrgvbnsiovbeobginbgbiunbbvoiernoeinbeoirbvnevjkfn
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ehhhh thatll have to do |
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| OMFG HAPPY TO ANGST |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|01:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ditzy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | TMR~~~~pied piper | ] |
Anyway today was such a blast. I mean at first i thought it was gonna be just normallll. Yet it was not!!!!! HAHA....my phone didnt come though *sigh. Anyway me and Ben watched gravitation which is this anime about this gay rock star who wants to be famous and runs into this writer that he falls madly for. Anyway I love it!!!!!@@! Annoying gay ppl wats not to love...Anyway after words I played legend of zelda the wind waker for awhile. WE laughed at my poor observations and my bad gamer skills. Owewewgneribhnt!! my hand is cramping *shakes hand around violently* sigh* anyway after wards of this i had to bring ben to the train. We ran around doing weird jumps and stuff. I forgot how i can get after watching anime. I leave reall world and i act like a character lol just crazy odd not like me( or is it the real me) anyway im insane lol im just happy and shit and weird. OMFG i need new cloths *looks at clothes *crys* maybe tight and emo or happy colored....no oddd!!! oddd!! but where could i find odd??? If anyone would know id like that but doi know anyone.....*sigh anyway the point is i had a good day and hopefully i get my phone tommorow!!! yay
According to meghan wwe wont be getting bak together! Oh well *smiles* her freaking losss!!! Im CJ the greatest ever *oweeeee hand cramps hurt... |
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| LONEly times in silent secrets |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|07:38 pm] |
Im laying it down now and not holding back. I mean Meghan was the best to me and now she is the worst! People like me but that doesnt change the fact of how much i like meghan. Yet if you think about it she aint the person for me. She did say it herself noi? Its time to move on I guess....ITs hard though, being torrn apart from someone you really feel for. "Im alone in universe so alone in the universe", Im not going to cry over this, but then another thought creeps by me. People like you, alot of ppl. I ask why they do sometimes, im nothing special just a guy who cares. Meghan still wants me though, so shouldnt I wait? ill be alone for a long time if I dont wait. IS she worth it???? MAybe not...Sigh*"please dont make cry, please dontmake me cry, im just like you i know you know, im just like you so leave me alone"....Music helps me think alot cuz i zone out."I gave the other half of the moon to you ooh, so you wouldn't forget me while i'm gone". I love Eisley its so surreal. Sigh no more no more no more meghan no more. So where do I head now I mean ill have to tell her soon that I dont want her anymore but she'll be sad and idk if I can handle that.....I mean she worries that ben will snatch me away lol...I mean he is awesome and such but he's more like my greatest friend ever but I know haow hard it is to be one....sigh..Dating is soooo hard......but on one side ive figured that im still really much bi
i gues meghan tried erasering that side of me. It doesnt matter I cant get sad ill grab my camera and take pictures for bands again! CBGBs was sooooo kool why dont i try agian |
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| egad updates |
[Aug. 20th, 2005|02:00 pm] |
Idk why but I never update anymore. Maybe im too busy being emo or sumtin? Anyway school is coming back and Idk why but yet again im sort of happy its coming. I mean it gets me away from the world in a way. Too many things are happening in one moment. Meghan says she maybe ready to go out with me again but it just seems like I shouldnt even go out with her again, she is just being a bitch. MY uber best friend Ben thinks he is some loser(fuck no). Some things Iwish not to mention but a sort of repeat performance might i say. SIGH* apprantly alot of ppl like me but but idk maybe i want to be alone for awhile...............
On th bright side my mom will help me get a sidekick 2 |
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| breath in exhale you know you taste like cancer |
[Aug. 13th, 2005|03:43 pm] |
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Alll i know is that i have the worst luck lately. Me and meg are done with dating..Out of nowhere when it was all perfect...I really like her alot still and I know she feels the same. We ended at the beach thursday because our break thingy was beating both of us on the inside. Her words of "I dont want to hurt you" reminded me of all my past relationships and now i sit here laughing because it was like I was looking at myself. So im guessing we will be friends(with some benefits) and begin to forget of our "feelings" for each other. Since then everything is going wrong and i've been acting emo and ive finally decided to move on BUt its never as eas as it sounds...Its odd actually im thinking but then again im not thinking, I have no train of thought my mind is not moving foward its stuck in a moment. |
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| Happy 1 month |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|12:12 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | ~moulin rouge soundtrack~ come what may | ] |
Today is me and meghan's one month anniversary, and it is bittersweet. Yesturday she went to the city to go to this talent agency and audition. Today she was accepted and i cant see her which reallymakes me emo lol. SHe said if she was accepted it would be harder for her to see me, so it doesnt really makke me happy. Im proud of her though i want her to be happy so i can only be supportive of her. So now i slug around today looking for a job. SIGH* |
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| Grr |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|02:45 am] |
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everytime i try to update i mess up in the middle but this time im gonna make sure i do it cuz im godly. Well things have been going good me and meghan are doing good but she has been confusing me with this kinda break...we are allowed to kis anyone but we are dating. She wants to clear her head cuz she wants to be a real good gf cuz im too good for heer she quotes. SIGH today I made out with my friend katherine and I realized howmuch i cared about meghan and how much i heart her....Idk..... I need a job soon or im turning emo lol.....Im getting my 80ty dollars from robin friday woot!!! more money to get my sidekick woot! geez im uber tired and ben is on the phone(nice gay boi lol) |
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| Camping, pictures, and blah blah blah |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|07:00 pm] |
SO I just got back from camping with my dad's gf and family. I havent updated Lj either in a long time sigh*. Anyway I had an ok time because half the times everyone was mad at someone for something and I wanted to at least have some fun. So I took my camera everywhere and took amazing pictures that everyone loved lol. I even met the little girl that took my favorite name, Sage a cute little baby. Anyway we camped in lake george and our campsite was right near it and you could walk into town. I went one night to see the nigght life and it was very pretty and the lights were nice. I spent most of that time looking out at the dark lake thinking.
I never talked to anyone my age while I was gone so I needed some support and of course Megz<3 and Ben were there when i was uber bored.
Anyway it wasnt all bad. We went tubing down some river with three guides...WEll..There were three guides with us and they were really fun and nice. when we got to the place it had a sigh saying "you can tip your guide but you cant tip over your guide" well I put that to shame when I knocked over the biggest of the three guides. It was hillarious cuz he didnt think I could do it. We stopped to swim and when we were leaving the youngest guide maybe 17 tried jumping onto his kayak and fell off so I took that moment to steal his kayak " no use if it doesnt has a paddle" he said but i used it like a surf bored and paddled away to bad they needed it back it was alotta fun...We had underwater cameras to take pictures everyone liked mine alot, that made me happy.
I got a nice call while I was away from MEgz<3(well everryday but this one was nice). She met someone at PFY that was gonna have 500$ headshots done and MEg jumped in and explained about my pictures and the girl is pay meh 50$ plus film+processing. Meg just keeps amazing me with her kindness. We spend constant time torturing each other and annoyin each other and even when im the saddest she catches me or i catch her. She gets her license september so itll become much more easier to ee her.
Id like to dedicate this entry to MEGZ<3 and her birthday Aug 1st tommorow.. I ant wait till she sees the picture i took for her and the build a bear I made her ^_^ |
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