| Seriously WTF |
[Mar. 12th, 2008|03:35 pm] |
I just read all my journals from middle school to now and seriously WTF.
I don't know what to say about it but WTF. All I ever talked about was girls and how they let me down, and honestly it still is happening. So I guess that is what makes looking into my emo past worse.
Looking at it and seeing myself now, I see no change in my behavior. I still get hung up on girls and still end up getting hurt. Its not them hurting me its me. I just really give my love out all the time just to have it crushed. I just wish I could stop doing that it is starting to annoy even me.
Why is it that I just give myself up to the female counterpart? There is maybe a simple answer, or their could just be the question of habit. Have I made it a habit to wear my heart on my sleeve? Well the easy answer to that question is yes. I used to believe it was where I was meeting these girls that made the difference, but Im starting to see a pattern in my courtship methods which could be where the real problem lies.
So why post a blog exposing your biggest flaw? Well perhaps if I see it in writing my mind will finally see that there is some need of change in my world and changing styles, or environment won't do a thing. Another reason is that I don't really care how you may view me, or that you may see me different. All I can say is that the time is now for a change and it maybe hard but I will do it. |
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| yes an update keeley!!! |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
I dont make it a point to update much but I figured its about time I get used to getting my thoughts out.
Amanda...what can I say, got my hopes up and expected a new girlfriend a great one I could be happy with. I didn't get that all i got was drama up my ass. She didnt want to go out she wanted friends with benefits...it didn't last I confronted her and well it didnt work out now we are distant friends and it frankly is highly a waste to me psh.
wow the 24th I get the fabled cable internet connection.....my mom is bitching at me that ill have to pay for it etc I really could care less ill pay for it and by the time it becomes expensive ill be going away!
I also have to buy a 1gb nano tommorow because my second mp3 player was stolen and the other one was lost...sigh what bad luck.
photography is on a positive scale though everyday I find another picture im just woahed by. I take at least one good picture a day to build up my photo ability. This new digital camera is amazing at doing this giving me all the access to my pictures right away.
katherine....met her like lastt week shes radical etc nice alot id llike in a gf...hmm but younger than me always makes me iffy...maybe could i not want a gf weird hmmm *ponders im in a bad state of mind thats not good ill dwel tommorow. Vallentine's daya nd shes my valentine I know she would like more....do i want more?
i feel tired good night |
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| Wow an update! from my new mac laptop !!! oh ya!! |
[Dec. 30th, 2005|12:02 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Opening to sorceror stabber orphen! | ] |
yea its been forever since ive updated anything on lj. So umm where to start
Me and kristyn didnt last long since we never talked because she just ignored me pretty much so yea.......stupid me!
The days have been better lately, Ive gotten out of a very big depression that almost destroyed my chances of even passing this year. I now have a therapist too which isnt the worst thing in the world because she doesn't seem interested on sending me for pills, also she doesnt think I have any disorders which is interesting considering most therapist are all about drugs.
Dating has well been very horrible no one new since ive dated erica back in september. haven't talked to meghan for about two months now and thats great. I've been thinking alot about my relationships and the only good one i ever had was with Ivan. last night i found Ivan's christmas card from last year next to my Nana's christmas tree it talked about how much he loved me then and how happy I made him...I wonder how it came to be there and if nana read it because if she did then she knows im bi or thinks im gay idk. Ive been talkign to him again and I think old memories are resurfacing and Idk if i should act on them or just ignore them. Ugh always a problem happened with theresa awhile back.
Waldbaums has been great and stuff everyone thought I quit because I requested alotta days off. These two girls invited to a party this christmas break but it was actually because one of the girls, Amanda liked me and wanted to chill with me.
Turns out amanda is this awesome girl who ive come to like alot. I think about it alot because my mind is rushing things and i cant slow it down and it worries me that im getting my hopes up. We even had a 2 hour 45 min phone call which hasnt happened since ivan! We went to the movies too the other day and I had a blast, I ended up staring at her alot though and idk if it freaked her out but she sure smiled alot! I pulled her over and we cuddled during the movie. It was amazing and I was tempted to sleep. When I got home i went to give her a peck on the lips but she kinda tried avoiding it but I can understand lol. Her smell lingered on my clothes and every time I smelt her , Id get this high that twas amazing. I wonder if she likes me enough to date me but she is defnately a kind beauty.
christmas didnt feel like christmas at all the family aspect gone the present opening all gone and it made me sad that i didnt even have someone to share it with sigh........but i got my mac laptop which ive been wanting for ever.
so nothing left to really update about cept trying to fix up the pieces at school, and try to not get into another depression.
May i find the strentgh to overcome the impossible |
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| school, work, home my life an update |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|10:22 am] |
school hasnt been the best lately. I dont feel the connections I did with my new teachers, that existed with my old teachers. thanks to a friend of mine I think ive found a way to get all the help ive needed for awhile. I cant bear to let my grades slip anymore. Though it might force me out of tech! Could I bear to end what i foght for so passionately to obtain.
Work is back to normal except now he holiday rush is beginning so its been busy.
Home hasnt be good either with me and mom getting into arguments more I feel home to be the X factor in my ever failing education. When I come home I dont feel like doing anything, I guess knowing I have no privacy(more like i sleep in he living room) just makes me sadded.
And to top it off, I now have a long distance relationship. With a lovely girl named Kristyn no one knows her but she is about nicer than me lol! Ill post a pic later on since her myspace shut down.
well laterzzz |
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| Loong road.....yet again..tough times...with a dash of ever somber hope |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|02:17 pm] |
Things have been normal bland not saddening like before. Lets seee to start "look both fucking ways when your driving up to turn" before you actually turn! I got hit today by stupid asshole my arm hurts but im ok.
School - Its blander than ever. Ive become so distant from my friends I swear I have none in that shit hole.
home stuff makes me un able to do work in school.
Work - Not bad except the new front end keeps annoying me and making me feel uncomfortable cuz I feel like he is hitting on me.
Home - Home is bad, I dnt feel motivated to move or do anything its just unbareable. Untill my mom finds a place I cant quit my job for a new one, I cant feel motivated, and I dont think I can date someone knowing we may move out east.
I guess I just want I want to be really happy and motivated already!! I know it can be done but I need something to boost me up.
<3
a heart |
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| wb |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|01:48 pm] |
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writing yet agian cuz im rad |
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| remberance......change....memory |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|05:37 pm] |
I dnt know where to start but ill have to start somewhere. Ill start with my radical bipolorness, so far im doing oki simple things have been bringing me up from my crazy depression.
First had to be the appearance of Jamie. I saw him on this site a while ago , but it wasnt untill Felix IMd him about stealing a pic that me and him talked. I joked too im liked put in a good word for me. Felix gave him my myspace., and he Imd me one day. I expected this tough guy who doesnt like specific music and would be an ass. Yet he talked so nicely and when he was like sowwwie I knew he was a good person. I guess im easiy attracted to a nice person. Ive cursed it but then I realized it shows how kind I am and trusting of people. My biggest fear is becoming paranoid but thats far from happening. HAHA i actually feel like suichi from gravitation again.. I can be compared easily. Im like a puppy that follows, idk i like it. Anyway he is so nice and seems to be like me and idk it makes me happy whenever i know there is another good person in this world. Yet he is the first guy ive been attracted to since ivan which is surprising since im pretty much straight. something about him just makes me all warm inside. Its stupid he also has a bf but actually likes me enough to maybe date me and move on.
Second me and Ivan have started talking again and it just feels me up with a happiness I cant describe a part of me has come bak and maybe ill see him alot more.
Idk if I should be sad or happy with whats been happening but all i can say is that im happy |
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| Insomnia |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|06:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Besides the fact im coughing like crazy,im depressed again....Today hope looked upon me with me hug attacking everyone at work. Yet as the day near a close it changed to sadness. I made a deal with front end that if I work another hour than they give Lindsay a 20 minute break instead of 15. So I was like yay since we were supposed to hang earlier but awoke late. Yet when it came time for break her bf came in to chill with her. I was like fuck I wasted my time. What a waste why I eever believe we could be friends without me feeling these emotions. It became obviously clear that I cant be her friend either because whenever the have problems it would horrible for me. So I never got that time also found out she was the one who told him to come. She told him to knowing I wanted to chill with her KNOWING! ugh she prolly didnt think anything of it, Ive made the same mistake Ive done everything shes done to me to alot of people. So I feel like shit about that too. *tear just why cant I BE FREAKING HAPPy
EXPLANATION WHY!!!!!
my state of mind is cyclic up down up down its usually at a steady level but its begun to be tooo irregular.
when I have someone the cycle gets wrapped atound thier mood evening out depression unless they get sad or something then I follow their mood but if managed right I only get little depression.So now ya know!
Ive been constantly depressed for a month and a half |
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| empty desires? |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|11:05 pm] |
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I guess since ive stopped chasing lin, I have nothing again.I feel the pain in my chest again. the lonelyness and all the pent up romantic energy wanting to be relewased. I canrt hadle it |
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| Again again plus remembering then |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|08:41 am] |
Its been forever since I wrote in LJ. Ive gtten alot better and over my past love. I guess we were never meant to be, and whenver i am in her presence I get angry. I belittle her because thats what she did to me.
Its been forever and now the tbles have changed again to another thing. right now I like this girl at my job, shes freaking awesome. We talk all the time about stuff and I find out about him....her boyfriend. To think we established that we both like each other and he is tossed into the mix. I know she likes me but how can I when he is still there.
Im obsessed over her and I don't think that is a good thing because it could spell trouble. i think she is waiting for something, for me to do something. I am hoping its to kiss her because I look at her and thats what i think about. I think about how special I want her to know she is. I guess the bes thing to do is to ask her what she wants.
techs lost its flavor and sometimes I never want to come here. I seem to be caught up in bitterness beween some students and even my teacher. Work is he only place I have a little fun. Especially when Lindsay is there. Thats where it began, with a hug. Se said awesome and it was then I wanted to get to know her. I want thinking about dating her actualy until I got to know her a bit more. We spent one whole day talking cuz she was sick at home. Ahh good times.
thursday is EISLEY!!!!!!!!!ngnaelfbnaein aebnaeonenoenaeohne;nhehne. I have to take the babylon tech bus to get to babylon where ill meet up with ben and take the express tran to the city. Its going to be awesome. |
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